Howard Tayler is one of the three founding hosts of the Writing Excuses Podcast, maintains a daily webcomic, and struggles with depression.  “No. I’m Fine.” is his 1,730 word account of how it feels to be overwhelmed by failure and inadequacy during a wave of depression and what it takes to overcome it. It’s not a long read, so I’m asking you to check it out and come back when you’ve finished.

The narrator’s depression makes even the smallest obstacles seem insurmountable, even when he knows he’s not thinking clearly. When his wife gently suggests he take his medication, the solution seems like the problem: he’s not even good enough to care for himself without depending on a pill.

We tolerate some human flaws (personality issues like shyness or arrogance, for instance) for the sake of getting along. Others seem too significant to ignore. Mental health issues can be an example. Even if you don’t write people off as “too weird” or “useless,” it may be hard to relate to someone with mental health issues. How do you connect with someone who thinks in a fundamentally different way? What if your efforts distress or offend them? Might it be better to avoid pain for both of you by keeping your distance?

“No. I’m Fine.” opens the mind of someone suffering a mental health issue to us. The unique pains they go through and the paths their thoughts take is laid bare. Through the narrator’s eyes, we see the difficulty or even impossibility of fighting a mental health issue, how necessary medication may be, and the struggle required to take that solution when it’s most needed.

Medication?

Mental health issues like depression can be mystifying, especially to Christians like myself. Scripture teaches responsibility for our decisions and thought patterns. Shouldn’t the answer to depression be applying the Bible to our lives and learning gratitude to God? If our minds truly are out of control, could it be a sign of demonic activity? Should we seeing a psychiatrist, or a pastor?

I’m no expert on self-improvement, psychology, or demonology. I can’t disprove one point of view or another. If there’s no reason to doubt something, I prefer to believe it. If I believe something untrue, I should eventually encounter a contradiction. It’s then my responsibility to determine which side is true.

I believe some “mental” issues can be solved with Scripture and discipline. I believe demons are actively involved in spiritual warfare, even in modern Western nations like the US. I also believe we live in a world damaged by sin’s consequences. One evidence is the mind can be damaged by injury, illness, genetic mutation, chemical imbalance, or harmful thought patterns that alter and reinforce neural pathways. Such injury can make temptation even harder to fight, and it may well take medication to mend physical injury so a person can apply spiritual truth.

As “No. I’m Fine.” shows, medication isn’t an easy cop-out. Taking a pill can be a moral struggle. Do you insist that you’re “fine,” or do you humble yourself and accept the solution? What if your brain is going haywire at the same time?

We’re All Broken

I know about haywire brains. No, I don’t suffer from mental health issues as far as I know. I suffer from a universal human quality: nobody’s perfect. This is why we find it difficult to enjoy stories with flawless heroes. Our heroes must struggle, because we struggle. We cope with our brokenness by watching them cope with theirs. If they can do it, maybe we can too.

Our brokenness goes beyond innocent mistakes. Each of us has made the wrong choice while knowing the right one. Maybe we gave in because we felt we couldn’t resist our desires forever. Maybe we were particularly tired just then. Maybe we entertained the thought that what we wanted wasn’t really wrong. Regardless, we knew better. I say this with confidence because we’re human.

Our brokenness goes beyond physical or mental damage. Sometimes, our choices seem insane in hindsight; sometimes the immoral choice makes perfect sense. Harming a person might get me what I want. Telling an untruth may make me valuable friends. Privately uttering profanity may dull pain. Isn’t it sane to make a favorable choice if it has no downside?

Good and evil isn’t a matter of mental aptitude; it’s a matter of our position relative to God. God made all humans in His image, so it’s always wrong to harm another, even if it benefits me. God is truth, so denying the truth is defying God, even when it benefits me. A foul word demeans the sacred or elevates the ignoble, equating God with excrement, even when it benefits me–even when only God and I can hear.

Mr. Tayler can’t choose when to have a mental health episode; the closest he can come is deciding whether to take his medication. By contrast, we freely choose to rebel against God. Despite our free will, no one has consistently chosen to never sin. No one can follow through on a choice to never sin. We all chose to sin sometime.

Paul expressed his own struggle with this in Romans 7:15-24. He also failed to do what he knew was good and desirable, and he did what he knew to be evil and harmful. Why? He describes it as if sin itself makes the choice. “19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. 20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.” (Romans 7:19-20) But this doesn’t mean Paul, or any of us, is guiltless. Earlier in the same book he says everyone in the world is guilty before God under the law. (Romans 3:19)

When It’s Good Enough to Admit We’re Not God Enough

Admitting “I’m not good enough” is the first step someone with mental health issues must take to consult a psychiatrist and receive medical help. Admitting “I’m not good enough,” is the first step someone with sin (all of us) must take before we, like Paul, can cry, “O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?” (Romans 7:24) At this point, looking outside ourselves, we can find our deliverance: “I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

‘[There is] therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” (Romans 7:25-8:1) The remainder of Romans 8 elaborates on how completely Jesus Christ solves our sin problem. We may still struggle, but through Him we are “more than conquerors.” (Romans 8:37)

The point of “No. I’m Fine.” is that it’s all right to admit when you’re not good enough. Sometimes it’s the only right choice, because it’s true. Sometimes, you need a pill to even think straight.

My point: each of us is broken in some way. Nobody’s perfect, and our imperfection harms ourselves, others, and our relationship with God. The salvation Jesus offers is too great to be equated with a pill, but in order to accept it we must likewise admit we’re not good enough to help ourselves. It’s the only right choice, because it’s true.